Dear sweet baby Vishnu. When I decided on trying to buy a Dell laptop, I had no idea I'd be getting Delhi. Mr. Dell, if you're reading this, there's a farmer in you, and, more importantly, stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Or get the people in your call centers to do some accent training.

Here's how it went down. We picked a Dell Inspiron 1525 laptop online to buy. The only changes we wanted were the "cool" "Chill" pattern on the top of it, a better processor, and XP instead of Vista. So, I called them to try and arrange this. Allow me to try and recreate the ordeal in point form. All of the players except for "American Woman" are East Indian.

JJ (his name wasn't JJ, but I'll call him that) was 95% unintelligible. He patched me through to an English-speaking American woman. Little did I know that this would be the last time I encountered this language as I know it. She wanted to know what business I was a part of. Apparently, JJ put me through to the wrong #. She asked if I was calling from Canada, then
put me through to Michael. He understood me, then hung up on my when he tried to put me through somewhere else. I have no idea what the next one's name was. They put me through to Kiran. I could understand him 75% of the time, and I think it's vice versa. I've been on the phone a long time at this point. I explain what I want, and Kiran puts me on hold (he did this several times, sometimes for a long time) and tells me I can't have the computer I want, the pattern I want, or anything like that. But, he can sell me another one (thanks!). At this point, I know the computer has changed, but I don't really know why, and I generally have no idea what's going on. Trying to talk computer specs with someone with a really strong Indian accent is extremely confusing and stressful. I'm basically convinced by this point that I'm going to end up with something nothing like what I want. Did I mention how much sax/synth strings/vibraphone music I've been subjected to up to this point? A LOT. It really wore down my will to deal and haggle. In the end, my Inspiron turned into a Vostro. He tells me I can get XP on it, and that it's exactly the same except for the processor. As the minutes wear on, with me trying to understand him, I find (among other things) that there's no webcam, the memory's a bit different, and the hard drive has 120GB instead of 160 GB. I try to express my desire to have 160GB, but he argues with me that I'd never need more than that. I tell him I just might, he says I won't, this goes on for a few rounds (the nerve!). I ask him to email me the specs and call me back (dial-up). I check my mail, and I can't see 'em all. Gmail has some kind of problem. It's fine anyway. I need more time to think about it and check around. The confusion was making me nervous. He calls back, and I tell him it's a no go tonight. He says he'll call me back in two days, but he needs my credit card number. I say no, 'cause I'm not sure I want to commit. He uses various excuses, and I end up having to be a bit more forceful and very blunt about him not getting my # for something I don't know I want. He was getting pretty forceful with it, and I had to one-up him in that department. I was disgusted. I was spent. I was on the phone for about 1.5 hours.

I checked around yesterday and today, and the make & price he came up with really was the best on an XP machine I could find. We settled on a Dell Vostro 1000 (with things a bit better than the base), at a price of $609 plus taxes. My call tonight still had some confusion, but at least it was much shorter. I was hoping to get a mouse with it, too, like a gal we know did, but no dice tonight.

I'm still a little nervous about what may show up when it arrives. It damn well better have what he sent me the specs on. I'll keep you posted in 7 - 12 business days.